Segment City

Segment City Episode 89 - Waluigi on his Deathbed

At the ripe old age of 101, surrounded by his family, a wizened Waluigi looks at the disgusting faces of his family. His wife had passed long ago but he made it through because of the supportive humiliation his family put him through, calling him a cry baby and widower and saying “What are ya gonna do? A-cry?”. And now they stare at him with their big pink noses and spiky moustaches as a mirror image of his own face in his youth. All those years wasted… “Wah, how-a long is this-a gonna take?” asks a little girl who has Waluigi’s face. “Shut your-a mouth-a” her mother says, who also has a Waluigi face. Finally Waluigi lets out a final sigh and passes away. “Waaaaahhhh...” This week on the podcast, the boys talk about failing at running, whether they are optimistic or pessimistic about humanity (but honestly how can you be optimistic these days), Theo talks about NFTs (Non Fungible Tokens) which are block-chain tokens that prove that this piece of digital content is the “original” which has allowed artists to sell the “original” version of a piece of art such as Grimes selling songs or people verifying they are the creator of a meme, the boys then play an improv game where they have to interview each other for jobs (in this case a Bounty Hunter and a Dentist) but the interviewee doesn’t know what the job is, and Theo presents another item from “The Taxidermy Shop” aka Ebay. This time it is a Vampire hamster with one big muscle man arm, big boots, and green knit shorts harassing a little mouse if that means anything to you.

Segment City Episode 88 - Call Me Mrs. Dad

Hey there fine fella! Going out for a night on the town with your dame? Maybe you’ll have a fine time and do the jitterbug before the evening’s through! But beware, danger is around every corner -- don’t get near the nasty Reefer King and start getting crazy ideas! Be like Yankee Boy and put a stop to his addictive madness! This week on the podcast Will introduces the regrettable villain Reefer King who apparently is much more harmful to teens than being a normal tobacco hobbyist. They also swing through a Segment City court where Marinara Law is being instituted, and Theo tells the tale of the Animatronic Fox that is going to marry your dad. Finally, they compete on a new edition of Versus to pitch the best Muppet adaptation of a classic movie. Kermit as the Godfather? Statler and Waldorf as Gandalf and Saruman? Find out who has the best pitch! (and mostly come listen to Will do his Kermit voice)

Segment City Episode 87 - Shat on a Shelf

Sometimes a man needs to poop in a box and then return that box to the shelf he found it on. Who is this man? I don’t know, but he should and will be arrested. This week on the podcast, the boys talk about “The Witches of Eastwick”, whether milk in cereal is a broth, beverage, or sauce, Theo takes us to the nasty “Taxidermy Shop” segment to show off a mean rat throwing red paint on a mouse lady wearing fur, Will tells a news story about a man who has been pooping in the cars at local automotive repair shops, the boys play a version of “Bang, Marry, Kill” where it is “Have as your boss, be trapped in an elevator with, and spend a day at Six Flags with” with various celebrities, fictional characters, and Will does a modified version of “Conspiracy Query” where he quizzes Theo about the aspects of the QAnon conspiracy theory.

Segment City Episode 86 - Grittney Unleashed: Juice the Caboose

Have you ever woken up from a nightmare in a cold sweat, realized it was all a dream, and peacefully gone back to sleep? Unfortunately for you, Grittney is all too real and has way too much juice in her caboose. Seriously, those cheeks are well defined. This week the guys talk about Grittney, the partner of the Philly Flyers mascot Gritty, who apparently is cleaning up his act with a makeover from the Fab Five. Will contemplates how weird bread must have been for whoever discovered it, and also meets a new resident of Segment City, the Taxidermy Shop owner. Come on down, see some dead rats, what’ve you got to lose? They also discuss Lil Yachty’s role in the upcoming Uno movie (yes, the card game) and read the best two chapters of My Immortal yet.

Segment City Episode 85 - Meat Peripherals

Meat. Peripherals. It is probably the most out of touch, futurist, inhuman way to describe our hands, feet, eyes, etc. But people like Gabe Newell have transcended us. Or that is what they hope since their meat peripherals probably smell like pepperoni. On this episode, Will and Theo talk about a “Parks and Rec” card game (as well as the whole show), bad recommendation etiquette, old parents calling all Internet communication Zoom calls, an “Ebay Find” of a Flaming Hot Cheeto in the shape of a bald eagle on a branch that is selling for an absurd amount of money, Will reads a technology news story about Gabe Newell describing new brain computer interfaces (BCIs) technology that Valve is researching and how it will be better than using our “meat peripherals”. Don’t worry, they won’t hack your brain. They promise! Also this episode, Theo reads a scenario from “r/HypotheticalScenarios” about what you would do if you are immortal and everyone disappears with a far too in depth comment with a full plan for containing all of Human knowledge to breeding a new Racoon society to take you to space.

Segment City Episode 84 - We Read Erotica about Ourselves?!

You read that title right. One of the authors featured in our Amazon Erotica segment reached out and told us he wrote an erotic story about us! It is available on Amazon right now titled “Audiophiles: Best Friends First Time Gay Inspired By True Events”. Thank you to Mason Harnes for writing it! I hope you enjoy this beginning section of the story. Sadly, it gets too raunchy, even for our show. If you want to hear the whole thing, send us an email at segmentcitypodcast@gmail.com and send this episode to some friends! If it gets enough traction we may put it out through… Alternative means. I don’t know what that means, maybe you have to pay for it or something.

Segment City Episode 83 - Bears Ruined Libertarianism

Turns out that bears are the Liberal Elite of the animal kingdom and just want to stomp on our freedom to throw our trash anywhere! Where do these bears get off on destroying a Libertarian Paradise? This week on the podcast, the boys talk about potential pot cookie mishaps, Al Capone’s real voice,  Theo continues his list of strange celebrity baby names such as Moxie Crimefighter, Montague, and York, Will talks about an a New Hampshire town that was turned into a Libertarian utopia… Only to be brought down by bears, as told through an interview with the author of “A Libertarian Walks Into a Bear: The Utopian Plot to Liberate an American Town (And Some Bears)” by Matthew Hongoltz-Hetling. Also in this episode, Theo goes over some curious fragrance descriptions and the boys come up with new names for them.

Segment City Episode 82 - 5G Chili

This week on the podcast, the boys talk about the crazy people at the gym and some real, honest to goodness advice for working out at home, if Will would call all his bodily waste “Will Sauce” for a million dollars, Will and Theo have a “Pitchstorm'' where they pitch movie ideas about a jock that has to fight in a tournament but really wants to dance (also he can talk to animals) and a movie about sorority girls taking down the greeting card industry by one of them dating a millionaire in the industry (who is secretly her father and… betraying her friends to become the CEO? Also this episode, Theo goes over some Conspiracy Products including a “5G EMF Radiation Blocker” for your phone that uses Shungite to block radiation from your phone, and Will recounts the tale of the Dancing Plague of 1518 where people mysteriously danced until they dropped. What do we think caused this plague? Listen to find out!

Segment City Episode 81 - Everything is Becoming Crabs

When scientists said that everything seems to be evolving into crabs, we all scoffed. How are crabs the ultimate lifeform? It started slowly, but before long everything has become crabs. I am one of the last humans and I… feel… Myself… Blurb glub *skitters away* This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about some more funny headlines from 2020 including butter making people happier, ghost sex partners, rats taking over everything, Leprechaun Whisperers, and busting making Slimer feel good, Theo presents an “Ebay Oddity” with a creepy angel baby doll with a… Stapled on Werewolf mask? Also this episode, Will and Theo have a Fantasy World Bracket Tournament where the best Sci Fi or Fantasy world wins, and Theo quizzes Will on some “Celebrity Baby Names”!

Segment City Episode 80 - National Treasure 3: The Quest for Perfectly Cooked Chicken

They had a lot of trouble getting Nicholas Cage back for this one. Oh who am I kidding? Nick Cage would be in anything even if you just offered him a hot meal and a haircut. I’m looking forward to figuring out George Washington’s perfect chicken recipe though. This week on the podcast, the boys read some of the weirdest headlines of 2020, discuss the hot specs of the KFC console that cooks chicken for you while performing far better than any console on the market, Will rants about Cats the Musical including going over the sparse plot and the wild characters, Theo goes over his new rules for 2021 including calling everything that acts like a vegetable a vegetable, not calling people’s ugly babies cute, and less acronyms in life, and Will goes over some Cat conspiracy theories including cats being able to see ghosts, mind controlling people with parasites, litter reminding them of Egypt, and cats being alien spies!