Segment City

Segment City Episode 96 - How Buff is Too Buff?

Everyone wants to look good and be fit, see those huge gains from pumping iron and guzzling brotein shakes, and just be able to lift a refrigerator without so much as a blink. At some point, however, there is a line where you become too buff and transcend into the realm of being uncomfortably buff. In this week’s episode, we will exactly determine where that line is, and when you can finally stop working out. Theo brings a new edition of Florida Man in which a Krispy Kreme donut is mistaken for meth, and Will runs us through more entries from Buzzfeed’s listicle of worst listicles. Finally, Theo completely spoils Kong vs Godzilla and all the very important plot points. Spoiler: if you’re watching this movie for the plot, well uh... 

Segment City Episode 95 - Sweating Mayo

If I could sweat mayo I would try to make an industry out of it just as long as no one asked where the mayo came from. My sandwiches would never be dry but neither would my shirts. This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about an eventful “Bring your kids to work” event where a kid called Will a clown, what age people think they are in their head, having a 1% chance for your phone to let out a loud fog horn sound for a million dollars, Will goes over a terrible Buzzfeed listicle about the “hardest” Would you Rather questions they could find that end up being nonsense like “Would you rather have legs as long as fingers or fingers as long as legs?”, “Would you rather sweat mayo or poop a softball?”, and “Would you rather change gender everytime you sneeze or can’t tell the difference between a muffin and a baby?”, Theo tells the tale of a Russian model that was trapped on a Chinese boy band reality TV competition because of his contract, and Will stumbles upon a Goosebumps collection (I presume mistakenly) at the top of the Top Science Fiction Erotica section of Amazon.

Segment City Episode 94 - Do Orcs Tip Well?

It’s Friday night, and all the Orcs and Uruk-hai are getting all dolled up to go out. Down at Bones ‘n Flesh the atmosphere is calm and inviting, guests are filtering in to start off their evening in style. The most popular item on the menu, of course, is man flesh, served with a side of hobbit meat. On special is a rare delicacy -- local elf leg. 

This week on the podcast Theo wonders what the quote “Looks like man flesh is back on the menu” implies about Orc dining and tipping culture. Will brings up some deep buried trauma caused by Barney the Dinosaur during his childhood. They discuss how much a phony product needs to be sold at to be convincingly deceptive, and Will bring us another Regrettable Supervillain. We take a trip down to the taxidermy shop and discover this week’s find -- a small Jason Voorhees who is sure to be going home with Will this time. Finally, the guys read through another chapter of My Immortal in which Voldemort is looking absolutely fabulous in his new heels.

Segment City Episode 93 - Paying the Devil to Take our Souls

“MUHAHAHA Welcome Mortal To The Gates of Hell! Why Have You Come Here?”

“Ehhh… How much to sell you my soul?”

“You Are Foolish For - I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah, how much to sell my soul? How much is it going to cost?”

“You don’t need to-”

“$100? $500?”

“Isn’t the price of YOUR ETERNAL SOUL enough payment?”

“Ok, $1000.”

“Are you even listening? Whatever, I won’t leave money on the table. What do you wish in return?”

“I want to learn how to negotiate.”

On this episode, the boys talk about the documentary “Leaving Neverland”, sexual allegations against Internet personalities, Theo tells a tale about a “Florida Man” disrupting a local election by entering a candidate with the same last name as the Democratic candidate to confuse voters, Will goes over some crazy questions from Quora including medicinal farts in the face, how much it costs to sell your soul to the Devil, how to steal beauty with dark magic, and more, and Theo presents some Rapper names and asks will to rank them based on which he likes the most, the least, and which would win in a fight.

Segment City Episode 92 - Getting Burned at the Stake for Being Too Sexy

Has this ever happened to you? You’re minding your own business, just being super sexy all the time and not being able to help it. In fact, you’re so sexy that people decide that it’s actually witchcraft and that you’re responsible for driving people insane. Sound familiar? Well you’re not the only one! In this episode, Theo and Will talk about how artificial sweeteners are just humanity’s way of admitting defeat, and also go over their natural disaster power rankings. They once again talk about how the Snyderverse could be reworked (it’s the last time we promise). Theo introduces some truly petty drama that went down in a Facebook Crockpot cooking group -- turns out people can get mad about just about anything. Finally, Will talks us through an edition of Wikipedia Historian covering The Devils of Loudun, a tragic tale of nuns being super horny and not really knowing what to do with themselves.

Segment City Episode 91 - Peepsi

The fact they didn’t name the Peeps Pepsi Soda Peepsi is a travesty. That’s all I gotta say about that. This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about why we don’t feel emotionally invested or spooked out when we see skeletons in video games, Will review The Snyder Cut of the Justice League, they answer the question of whether it is best to be rich, good looking, or smart, Theo goes over the gross story of an LA comedian who found shrimp tails and other trash in a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and the ensuing Twitter controversy with General Mills, Will reads the press release to kick off Spring and Easter with the new Pepsi x Peeps collaboration soda (that you can only get through a darn contest) which is undoubtedly 100% sugar, and Theo takes us back to “The Taxidermy Shop” to display a taxidermied Detective Pikachu that is either a rat or a squirrel.

Segment City Episode 90 - Pokémon is Full of Dead Children

You’re wandering through the desert, disoriented and growing weary. At the crest of a dune you glance back, you could have sworn that cactus a few hundred yards below wasn’t there a few minutes ago. Shaking your head, you continue, thinking it must be the dehydration. You stumble down to the bottom of the dune and look back to the peak where a cactus now stands. That certainly wasn’t there before. Struggling to continue you fall to your knees, your vision fading to black. The last thing you see before everything goes dark -- a cactus standing over you. Anyways, welcome to the world of Pokémon, where you can collect and train these wonderful creatures to be your friends! This week Will and Theo talk about some of the most terrifying of these monsters that all seem like something straight from a Goosebumps book. Will asks what it means to be a “huge fan of milk”, and Theo brings another edition of “Is this the Onion?” which is all about what the police are up to. The guys also talk through their definitive Star Wars rankings, which put The Rise of Skywalker at the top spot. Just kidding. But seriously come have a listen to find out each of their lists!

Segment City Episode 89 - Waluigi on his Deathbed

At the ripe old age of 101, surrounded by his family, a wizened Waluigi looks at the disgusting faces of his family. His wife had passed long ago but he made it through because of the supportive humiliation his family put him through, calling him a cry baby and widower and saying “What are ya gonna do? A-cry?”. And now they stare at him with their big pink noses and spiky moustaches as a mirror image of his own face in his youth. All those years wasted… “Wah, how-a long is this-a gonna take?” asks a little girl who has Waluigi’s face. “Shut your-a mouth-a” her mother says, who also has a Waluigi face. Finally Waluigi lets out a final sigh and passes away. “Waaaaahhhh...” This week on the podcast, the boys talk about failing at running, whether they are optimistic or pessimistic about humanity (but honestly how can you be optimistic these days), Theo talks about NFTs (Non Fungible Tokens) which are block-chain tokens that prove that this piece of digital content is the “original” which has allowed artists to sell the “original” version of a piece of art such as Grimes selling songs or people verifying they are the creator of a meme, the boys then play an improv game where they have to interview each other for jobs (in this case a Bounty Hunter and a Dentist) but the interviewee doesn’t know what the job is, and Theo presents another item from “The Taxidermy Shop” aka Ebay. This time it is a Vampire hamster with one big muscle man arm, big boots, and green knit shorts harassing a little mouse if that means anything to you.

Segment City Episode 88 - Call Me Mrs. Dad

Hey there fine fella! Going out for a night on the town with your dame? Maybe you’ll have a fine time and do the jitterbug before the evening’s through! But beware, danger is around every corner -- don’t get near the nasty Reefer King and start getting crazy ideas! Be like Yankee Boy and put a stop to his addictive madness! This week on the podcast Will introduces the regrettable villain Reefer King who apparently is much more harmful to teens than being a normal tobacco hobbyist. They also swing through a Segment City court where Marinara Law is being instituted, and Theo tells the tale of the Animatronic Fox that is going to marry your dad. Finally, they compete on a new edition of Versus to pitch the best Muppet adaptation of a classic movie. Kermit as the Godfather? Statler and Waldorf as Gandalf and Saruman? Find out who has the best pitch! (and mostly come listen to Will do his Kermit voice)

Segment City Episode 87 - Shat on a Shelf

Sometimes a man needs to poop in a box and then return that box to the shelf he found it on. Who is this man? I don’t know, but he should and will be arrested. This week on the podcast, the boys talk about “The Witches of Eastwick”, whether milk in cereal is a broth, beverage, or sauce, Theo takes us to the nasty “Taxidermy Shop” segment to show off a mean rat throwing red paint on a mouse lady wearing fur, Will tells a news story about a man who has been pooping in the cars at local automotive repair shops, the boys play a version of “Bang, Marry, Kill” where it is “Have as your boss, be trapped in an elevator with, and spend a day at Six Flags with” with various celebrities, fictional characters, and Will does a modified version of “Conspiracy Query” where he quizzes Theo about the aspects of the QAnon conspiracy theory.