Segment City

We can all agree that Nuns lead an austere life. It’s part of the deal when you become a nun. But sometimes you get tired of it and just want to go apes**t. You can only wear rough spun clothes, pray all day, and get around in what I assume is a cart for only so long before you feel the need for speed. The need for a Ferrari. Throw that habit off and drive into the sunset Sisters, you earned it. This week, the boys talk about trips to Paris, Theo lists some of his favorite nonsense skateboarding terms, flips, and tricks, Will takes us through a “Conspiracy Query” about the theories around Napoleon's death including poisoning, deadly enemas, and a corpse switcheroo, Theo reads an article called “Nuns Sell Up and Move Out” which describes French nuns under investigation for selling their old convent in order to buy a chateau in the South of France (as well as a farm, race horses, and a Ferrari), and Will goes over a condition called “Paris Syndrome” which is a tourist experiences psychiatric symptoms such as hallucinations, feeling of persecution, anxiety, etc caused by culture shock and disappointment from how Paris actually is.

You’ve felt like your search for love would never end, feared you’d end up alone and forgotten. Suddenly, unexpectedly, you met the man of your dreams. He’s romantic, powerful, and Scottish. Little do you know that he, or they, are here to steal your art. Or break you out of prison? Honestly, I’m a little lost on this one. The best way to describe this erotica is “densely crazy”.

This week on the podcast, Theo has never heard of the Rainforest Cafe, so Will goes through the entire menu. They also talk through an 'In The News' which seems more out of Need for Speed than real life, involving a woman flipping her car and exploding, and walking away to tell the tale. The taxidermy shop makes it’s return with a Karen Mouse who’d like to talk with the manager, and finally Will explores new sub-genres of Amazon Erotica.

Milk Snakes are either the best fake name for Go Gurts or a snake that is highly venomous but only if you are lactose intolerant. It is definitely not a way anyone has ever mispronounced Milk Shakes. This week on the podcast Theo and Will discuss Only Fans’ strange advertising strategy, a problematic boat launch, Theo describes some of the features of Bill Gates’ $120 million dollar house such 500 year old lumber floors, pins that allow guests to set their favorite music and temperature that will follow them around the house, and a pool that goes inside and outside the house, Will reads an article about Jared Leto and how he may or may not be forming a cult of his 30 Second To Mars fans where fans pay exorbitant prices to go to retreats with the band who wear all white and act like gurus (y’all it’s all a scam for money), Theo takes us back in time to the mid 2000’s with a terrible spoof article at the time about Eminem being sued by M&Ms for taking their name, and Will peruses some of the “Worst Buzzfeed Listicles” with “22 More Celebrities That Look Nothing Alike” and “20 Slightly Incorrect Names for Food”.

Everyone wants to look good and be fit, see those huge gains from pumping iron and guzzling brotein shakes, and just be able to lift a refrigerator without so much as a blink. At some point, however, there is a line where you become too buff and transcend into the realm of being uncomfortably buff. In this week’s episode, we will exactly determine where that line is, and when you can finally stop working out. Theo brings a new edition of Florida Man in which a Krispy Kreme donut is mistaken for meth, and Will runs us through more entries from Buzzfeed’s listicle of worst listicles. Finally, Theo completely spoils Kong vs Godzilla and all the very important plot points. Spoiler: if you’re watching this movie for the plot, well uh... 

If I could sweat mayo I would try to make an industry out of it just as long as no one asked where the mayo came from. My sandwiches would never be dry but neither would my shirts. This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about an eventful “Bring your kids to work” event where a kid called Will a clown, what age people think they are in their head, having a 1% chance for your phone to let out a loud fog horn sound for a million dollars, Will goes over a terrible Buzzfeed listicle about the “hardest” Would you Rather questions they could find that end up being nonsense like “Would you rather have legs as long as fingers or fingers as long as legs?”, “Would you rather sweat mayo or poop a softball?”, and “Would you rather change gender everytime you sneeze or can’t tell the difference between a muffin and a baby?”, Theo tells the tale of a Russian model that was trapped on a Chinese boy band reality TV competition because of his contract, and Will stumbles upon a Goosebumps collection (I presume mistakenly) at the top of the Top Science Fiction Erotica section of Amazon.

It’s Friday night, and all the Orcs and Uruk-hai are getting all dolled up to go out. Down at Bones ‘n Flesh the atmosphere is calm and inviting, guests are filtering in to start off their evening in style. The most popular item on the menu, of course, is man flesh, served with a side of hobbit meat. On special is a rare delicacy -- local elf leg. 

This week on the podcast Theo wonders what the quote “Looks like man flesh is back on the menu” implies about Orc dining and tipping culture. Will brings up some deep buried trauma caused by Barney the Dinosaur during his childhood. They discuss how much a phony product needs to be sold at to be convincingly deceptive, and Will bring us another Regrettable Supervillain. We take a trip down to the taxidermy shop and discover this week’s find -- a small Jason Voorhees who is sure to be going home with Will this time. Finally, the guys read through another chapter of My Immortal in which Voldemort is looking absolutely fabulous in his new heels.

“MUHAHAHA Welcome Mortal To The Gates of Hell! Why Have You Come Here?”

“Ehhh… How much to sell you my soul?”

“You Are Foolish For - I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah, how much to sell my soul? How much is it going to cost?”

“You don’t need to-”

“$100? $500?”

“Isn’t the price of YOUR ETERNAL SOUL enough payment?”

“Ok, $1000.”

“Are you even listening? Whatever, I won’t leave money on the table. What do you wish in return?”

“I want to learn how to negotiate.”

On this episode, the boys talk about the documentary “Leaving Neverland”, sexual allegations against Internet personalities, Theo tells a tale about a “Florida Man” disrupting a local election by entering a candidate with the same last name as the Democratic candidate to confuse voters, Will goes over some crazy questions from Quora including medicinal farts in the face, how much it costs to sell your soul to the Devil, how to steal beauty with dark magic, and more, and Theo presents some Rapper names and asks will to rank them based on which he likes the most, the least, and which would win in a fight.

Has this ever happened to you? You’re minding your own business, just being super sexy all the time and not being able to help it. In fact, you’re so sexy that people decide that it’s actually witchcraft and that you’re responsible for driving people insane. Sound familiar? Well you’re not the only one! In this episode, Theo and Will talk about how artificial sweeteners are just humanity’s way of admitting defeat, and also go over their natural disaster power rankings. They once again talk about how the Snyderverse could be reworked (it’s the last time we promise). Theo introduces some truly petty drama that went down in a Facebook Crockpot cooking group -- turns out people can get mad about just about anything. Finally, Will talks us through an edition of Wikipedia Historian covering The Devils of Loudun, a tragic tale of nuns being super horny and not really knowing what to do with themselves.

The fact they didn’t name the Peeps Pepsi Soda Peepsi is a travesty. That’s all I gotta say about that. This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about why we don’t feel emotionally invested or spooked out when we see skeletons in video games, Will review The Snyder Cut of the Justice League, they answer the question of whether it is best to be rich, good looking, or smart, Theo goes over the gross story of an LA comedian who found shrimp tails and other trash in a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and the ensuing Twitter controversy with General Mills, Will reads the press release to kick off Spring and Easter with the new Pepsi x Peeps collaboration soda (that you can only get through a darn contest) which is undoubtedly 100% sugar, and Theo takes us back to “The Taxidermy Shop” to display a taxidermied Detective Pikachu that is either a rat or a squirrel.

You’re wandering through the desert, disoriented and growing weary. At the crest of a dune you glance back, you could have sworn that cactus a few hundred yards below wasn’t there a few minutes ago. Shaking your head, you continue, thinking it must be the dehydration. You stumble down to the bottom of the dune and look back to the peak where a cactus now stands. That certainly wasn’t there before. Struggling to continue you fall to your knees, your vision fading to black. The last thing you see before everything goes dark -- a cactus standing over you. Anyways, welcome to the world of Pokémon, where you can collect and train these wonderful creatures to be your friends! This week Will and Theo talk about some of the most terrifying of these monsters that all seem like something straight from a Goosebumps book. Will asks what it means to be a “huge fan of milk”, and Theo brings another edition of “Is this the Onion?” which is all about what the police are up to. The guys also talk through their definitive Star Wars rankings, which put The Rise of Skywalker at the top spot. Just kidding. But seriously come have a listen to find out each of their lists!