Segment City

Segment City Episode 69 (Nice) - The Highgate Cemetery Vampire Hunters

Imagine being referred to as a Vampire Hunter. Would you feel cool or like a crazy person? Like imagine handing out business cards with “Vampire Hunter” on it or having it on your resume. “Yeah, I tried to get into the Vampire Hunting business for a while but ended up having some competition that challenged me to a wizard duel.” This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about how teens are always killed in slasher movies and why we are all ok with it, Theo complains about how many bibliographies he had to write in school, Will reads some stories about “Halloween Hunks” by Mason Harnes, a sensual book series featuring fear boners, murder dating apps, and banging your bros when you get stuck in a room together. Also this episode, “The Worst Amusement Parks” comes back with “Dickens’ World” based on the dreary Victorian stories of Charles Dickens, and Will takes us on the tale of the Highgate Vampire Hunters named David Farrant and Sean Manchester and how their epic feud led to mobs breaking into the Highgate Cemetery, corpses being dug up, and a Magician duel being proposed.

Segment City Episode 68 - Jalapeño Noir

We here at Wine Spectator were shocked at the very concept of Taco Bell selling a wine. Will it have a Jalapeno taste to it? Is not the function of Taco Bell to eat when you are already, as the youth say, “plastered”? Why waste wine on that, even cheap Taco Bell wine. Sorry, I must go. We are doing a ritual sacrifice to Dionysus tonight and I would hate to miss it. This week, Will shows Theo some overpriced animal shaped furniture, the boys talk about how fear is a “love it or hate it” emotion and that fear is a privileged emotion to experience in the context of the animal kingdom, a story of a Florida man that slapped his girlfriend with pizza she was trying to throw out, weird pizzas they have seen people order, the new Taco Bell “Jalapeno Noir” wine (which must pair nicely with a gosh darn Crunchwrap Supreme),  Theo recounts the story of how a man tried to buy a Harrier Jet from Pepsi in a contest and ended up in court, and the boys go over Terrance Howard’s crazy math system called “Terryology” in his attempt to prove 1 x 1 = 2.

Segment City Episode 67 - Punching Pirates

There is a lot of pirate punching in this episode. Like we spend a lot of time playing D&D just getting into a fist fight with a lot of pirates. No pirates were hurt in the recording of this episode. This week on the podcast, Will and Theo talk about how scarecrows scare people more than they scare crows, for a million dollars would we lose the ability to fart with anonymity, the boys play “D&D for 2!” and in this adventure, Bruno Wizardson gets in a fight with some contradictory Desert Pirates with some Dwarves on his side as his companions use some sticky fingers to (unsuccessfully) pickpocket onlookers. Jory gets caught and Bruno has to trade some magic hand lotion to save his brother’s fingers. Also in this episode, Theo and Will talk about some of their top 5 favorite gummy candies!

Segment City Episode 66 - Pringle Tinglers

Pringles is a wild company. They make tubes to house their chips that actively get in the way of eating said chips. They have a weird moustachioed mascot with an immutable expression. And they have flavors such as “Bacon Caesar Salad” to really tingle the tongue with bad flavors. This week on the podcast, the boys talk about being called a boy versus being called a man, Theo goes over all the launch games with each Playstation console in honor of the launch games for the PS5 being announced, we return to the holy text of “Acts of Gord” a website where a video game store owner recounts tales of people trying to sell copied game disks, a cursed Gameshark, and a failed credit card fraud attempt. Theo then goes over some of the weirdest Pringles flavors including ranch, bacon caesar salad, bangkok chicken, blueberry and hazelnut, bruschetta, cinnamon and sugar, prawn cocktail, roast turkey, taco night, and smokey bacon. Will ends the episode with the thoroughly cursed new corporate collaboration with the Mountain Dew margarita at Red Lobster cunningly named the “Dew-Garita”.

Segment City Episode 65 - S'moritto

S’moritto. That name alone sparks interest. Is it a toasted burrito? Is it a tasty desert wrapped in a tortilla? Wrong. It is filled to the brim with confusion and hatred. Chocolate, marshmallow, peanut butter and jelly, and BACON! All wrapped in a tortilla!? That is so many flavors, textures, and smells wrapped into one. I feel the diabetes coursing through my veins just writing that. This week on the podcast, Will and Theo talk about the rules of good storytelling, some wacky s’mores alternatives including wrapping it in a biscuit, adding brie and peach to it, dipping it in baileys, and making a “S’morito” aka a bacon, pb&j, marshmallow wrapped in a tortilla. Will then quizzes Theo by reading review from Rotten Tomatoes and seeing if he can guess the movie in “The Most Rotten Tomato!”, Theo asks Will what product is the made up in “As Seen on TV!” featuring the Cozy Bib, Easy Feet, and Alien Tape, and Will tells some of the wackiest plots in the CIA tried in their over 600 assination attempts on Fidel Castro including poison cigars, ice cream and diving suits, exploding seashells, and more...

Segment City Episode 64 - Weeaboo Sheriff

“This town ain’t big enough for two people with a body pillow collection! Where are we even gonna keep all of ‘em? They are full sized body prints.” “That is one of the few things we agree about pardner… That and the fact that One Piece is the best anime to exist.” “Draw!... Your waifu.” This week on the podcast, Will and Theo talk about alcoholic freeze pops, words that have lost their individual parts such as high school and breakfast, a Florida cop that misused his power to jail his own mistress, Will does an impression of every Boston Fire Chief press conference, the boys discuss Mario’s 35th Anniversary and all the video game announcements that came with it including a Tetris 99 clone and some old Mario games including a new 3D All Stars collection, Will ruins an edition of “Is this ‘The Onion’?” by knowing the story about a man making an impassioned speech to his local city council to ban the term “Boneless Buffalo Wing”, and Will does a piece about the longest fanfiction (and longest work of fiction ever) “Subspace Emissary’s World’s Conquest”!

Segment City Episode 63 - A Patent on Kissing

“You want to put in a patent on what?” asked the clerk. “Kissing” I said with the confidence of a king. “I want a patent on kissing and I want it now.” The clerk shook his head and looked around as if searching for a hidden camera. “You can’t just patent kissing. People have been doing it since… Well I don’t know, forever!” I smiled. “And think of all the profit I can get for licensing out kissing to people.” This week on the podcast, the boys talk about the newest graphics card specs from Nvidia and the absurdity of high end PC culture, if we like tourists coming to Boston, if a Reddit user is an a**hole for retaliating when her brother throws a tantrum over her getting into the university he wanted to get into, Will reviews (i.e. points out the glaring design flaws of) “Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles Remastered”, Theo talks about the “Helene Shelby Criminal Confession Device” aka a big spooky skeleton with glowing red eyes that was supposed to be used to make criminals confess out of fear and record them, and Will gives us some “Amazon Erotica” with a three book series by Nadia Lee: “That Man Next Door”, “That Sexy Stranger”, and “That Wild Player” in which a woman bails on multiple one night stands, possibly encounters a simple small town pizza lawyer, and dealing with nosey hotel neighbors just trying to return her nasty sex toys.

Segment City Episode 62 - A Capri Sun Filled with Human Blood

“Capri Sun is proud to announce some new products! We have some new flavors including watermelon, mango, and… Human blood? Is this right? It’s flavored like human blood? It IS human blood? I have no idea how we are going to sell this to middle America. Undead America is going to love it though.” This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about how Covid is affecting the porn industry (and other major industries), if we would have our hands and feet switch one day a week for a million dollars, a new Tik Tok trend(?) in which teens pretend to be Holocaust victims going to heaven, the story of Gustaf Hakansson the “Steel Grandpa” and his unofficial victory in a cross country bike race across Sweden, and Will and Theo do a dramatic reading of chapters 3-5 of the most infamous fanfiction ever created: “My Immortal”! Ebony and Draco go to a Good Charlotte concert, put things in things, and get swore at by Dumbledore.

Segment City Episode 61 - The Emperor of the United States

Being the Emperor of the United States is a tough job. No one listens to your nonsensical, Congress just refuses to disband, and keeping up with the latest imperial fashions is tiring! But somehow Emperor Norton made it work and didn’t even make a buck off of it! This week on the podcast, the boys talk about the Dental Mafia, whether changing trends in movies, TV, games, etc. is a sign that we are getting better and creating better art or if it is just changing tastes, Theo ponders what the etiquette around handicap stalls should be, Will describes some weird crime articles including a man attempting to resell stolen electronics to the store owner he stole from, a 5 year old stealing a car to buy a Lambourgini, and a crazy woman leaving Easter eggs in people’s mailboxes with candy, toilet paper, religious writings, and porn in them. The boys then delve deep into AI Dungeon to lead Dingle the peasant as he fails upward into the seat of the Eleven King and Squaren the Squire following the cowardly Sir Theo who flips off peasants and pays dearly for it, and Will recounts the tale of Joshua Norton aka the Emperor of the United States who became a local spectacle in 1800s San Francisco.

Segment City Episode 60 - The Most Infamous Fanfiction

It takes a lot to be the most infamous fanfiction of all time. You need the perfect combination of 2000’s teen fashion, poor spelling, and an insane plot to get such a high honor. This week on the podcast, Will interrogates Theo on what kind of nerd he is and his higher standards for friends, Theo asks if Will would follow up every toast with a toast of his own for a million dollars, Will reads an insane recipe blog that descends into a chasm of religious zealotry, Hallmark card sentiment, and disgusting dehydrated foods, Theo goes over some of the most interesting spirits from “Yo-Kai Watch” including an umbrella that may or may not lick you, wandering sandals with arms and legs, vampiric trees, Datsuba who an old woman that bullies people at the Sansu river in the Underworld, Tanuki who use their massive balls for a variety of fun activities and many more! Also this week, Will and Theo begin to read the most infamous fanfiction ever made: “My Immortal” staring Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way and her time as a vampire goth in Hogwarts.